Standing Still
by Roseclaw
Summary: It’s a classic example of hiding in plain sight. Gar's point of view. Slight slash if you squint really, really hard.


All rights and privileges to Teen Titans are copyrighted trademarks and property of DC Comics and all peoples associated. The characters of these fictions are used WITHOUT permission for the entertainment purposes only. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit. As if anyone would actually pay money for this thoughtless drivel. And even if they like it, it's right here and money is not required. So there! Bottom line: I don't own them I just like to play God with them. Like an ant walking back and forth across my feet for what seems like miles upon miles. Or a bug with a magnifying glass as it slowly burns into nothingness. Ahem Yes, I don't own them. Never have. Never will. Sigh...

**A/N**: Because my mind is incapable of shutting down for the summer… Includes slight slash if you squint really hard.

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Standing Still

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There is a reason for having prerequisites for classes, especially biology course. There needs to be a basic foundation of knowledge. All of the principles in biology are the same, just executed differently. Form and function and all that. It's just like acting.

Yeah, I almost failed physiology.

I understand the basic principles, though. Hell, I passed the principle courses with amazing ease! One would think that _I_ - of all people - would understand something as simple as what they all claim physiology is. It's not like I don't change mine every so often. I just don't _understand_ it.

And it makes me feel stupid.

And then there's DNA. I've been told that it's my DNA that I'm changing. So I just completely change my DNA and therefore the entire protein translation process in a heartbeat. Extant and extinct animals. I have yet to try imaginary or mythological animals. My head is a prized one, though, even without that last possibility. So if I don't make it with the acting thing… The thing is, I could _never_ understand me, no matter how well I studied.

I know that I know the info - it's just that I can't _prove_ it. On paper at least. I can prove it elsewhere with no problem.

My parents would be ashamed.

I know that I'm not the smartest or the strongest or the anything-est. Except maybe the greenest, but, I mean, _really_. If that's my only claim… I'm just me, though. I do all I can, even though I do push myself – sometimes too much. There have been so many times when I know I should stop, know I should have stopped a while ago, but. I don't. I feel like I can't, that it's weakness if I don't continue on. Like everyone else.

There have been times when someone has had to convince me to stay behind because I'm not in the best condition for fighting – or shifting. Usually it's Raven. Mostly because Robin knew that I can't say no to her.

But I have such a fierce loyalty to my pack that sometimes it's too difficult to say no.

I bit my tongue and stayed behind. At times like that I ran up to the roof and… well, I howled to the night, waiting for my lost pack to hear me and return.

It's stupid and pathetic. Just like me. But, I mean if I realize I'm stupid does that mean I'm smarter than I think I am or… Well, that's a circular conversation I don't want to be stuck in.

Man, I lack control. If I had more of a hold on my emotions I wouldn't end up looking so pathetic to the rest of my team.

One time… Jesus, I don't know what possessed me to do this, but I think my rationale was sound at the time. To me, at least. It sounds so stupid now. Like, really stupid and exceedingly embarrassing. More so than that time I… with Robin… yeah. No one talks about either incident, but I can feel their pity when they look at me. No one will let me forget.

I wanted to see if I, well, if I photosynthesized. I mean, I am green, right? There has to be _some_ reason for that pigment color. Other than monkeys… But that monkey had to be green for a reason too. I ate, but then there are such things as carnivorous plants, so that didn't dissuade me. So instead of eating, I sat in the sun on the roof. I had missed three days of meals. It was on the third day that Kory noticed, probably after Vic made some comment about me not waxing on about tofu. I'm not really in love with tofu, but it beats the alternative. I don't eat meat because it's… well, it's cannibalism. Although there have been times when all I've wanted was a bleeding piece of cow… but I digress. They were worried about me. About not eating, as opposed to not eating meat. So _naturally_ Kory sent Robin to check on me.

He, and everyone else, thought that I was deeply depressed and needed someone to talk to. It was a cry for attention. Why else would I stop eating? Although Robin did mention something about control. The one thing in this crazy life that I could control… I let them believe that. There was no point in correcting them. The truth was more embarrassing.

I started eating again. In front of them. I don't photosynthesize.

Robin looked triumphant. To him it was just a matter of control. I had control over myself, but he felt that he had ultimate control over me.

I'm disturbed by that.

When I first joined the Titans I had looked to Robin for support, psychological support. I didn't know that was a mistake. I was young and really messed up mentally. And I wanted Robin to untangle all of my mental scar tissue. I wanted to be… _liberated_ from my problems. As if there was some magical cure-all that Robin could give me. There wasn't one, though. I wasn't naïve enough to think there was… I was just… hopeful.

But that was before I had determined that Robin's mental scar tissue was more tangled than mine. And now I think I've outgrown him. Mentally. Which is strange because I'm usually under the impression that I'm the one who is standing still - not moving forward and certainly not moving backward.

Of course Robin also thinks that I hide behind a mask of humor. He thinks that I use humor to help myself cope. He's wrong. I use my humor to help the _others_ cope - himself included. I don't hide.

And there are times when we were at each other's throats instead of the throats that need to be torn into. If I wasn't directly part of the argument, I slunk away… It's not hiding, just demonstrating a higher level of control by abstaining. Usually they involved Roy. Sometimes they involved orders, sometimes they involved mistakes made, sloppiness, carelessness, sometimes they involved Roy doing stupid things. Or Wally doing stupid things. Or Roy and Wally doing stupid things.

Robin and Kory usually step in and attempt to break up the argument.

Times have changed. They've all moved on. Death or another team. Four of us remain. Vic, Kory, Raven, and me. I tried to move on. I can't. It all falls apart. It will always fall apart. Vic knew better than to leave. Again, I was too optimistic, thinking that this time – this time things would be different. They weren't. Now there are new kids ready to fight for truth, justice, and all that shit. And they will eventually move on to another team.

Or die.

Although thank whatever deity responsible for there being only one new girl. Now it's just Cassie, Raven and Kory I need to protect from myself. There are no chauvinistic tendencies on my part or anything of the such. No lingering thoughts about how women shouldn't fight. Especially when I know for a fact that they could kick my ass. Thoroughly.

It's pheromones.

Sometimes when one of the girls in the Tower is in heat, it becomes really difficult to control myself. That smell – it's like an invitation for an instant hard-on. I need to actually have Vic lock me in my room so I don't do something stupid. It's pretty bad that all of my willpower drains out of my ears when I'm exposed to pheromones… which is why no one knows. Not even Vic – my best friend - even though he's asked me so many times about the whole locking me up in my cage thing. I can't even begin to imagine how that information could be used by the Bad Guys.

But they're my friends… and if I were to jump one of the girls all the tension – sexual and otherwise - would be just too weird. But if Vic decides he wants his team to go Greek, then, hell, I'd do it.

However until then, I'll keep myself in my cage, so to speak.

Sometimes I tear at myself in an effort to control those urges. Vic finds me and drags me off to the med lab, making comments about me being a werewolf. Once a month and all that jazz. I used to end up with a lecture from Robin, but now it's just halfhearted one from Vic.

Now I'm worried about this new girl. And there will still be three girls (as Kory is leaving us… for Robin) to kick my sorry ass if I slip up and escape.

I am an animal. I need to be free or I need to have my cage.

I can hide when I'm free. Very easily. But I don't hide. Humans like to keep animals locked up – for study or otherwise. As I am both… things are just weird. If I don't hide anything but they still think I do, they'll lead themselves in circles and figure out absolutely nothing. Hiding is completely different, but someone _somewhere_ along the line is gonna figure it out.

I don't know if I'm okay with that or not.

I can smell Robin coming up behind me. He smells of salt, oil, deodorant, styling gel and his own sweetly bitter scent that has no words to properly describe it. It's a different Robin, but the message will undoubtedly be the same. He will undoubtedly try to talk to me. Undoubtedly about control.

I've been careless lately. People have noticed.

"Beast Boy?"

And why wouldn't they?

"Gar?"

I don't hide.

"Are you alright?"

I am just standing still while the rest of world keeps spinning.

I meet his eyes and hold my gaze. I don't smile.

There is nothing to hide.

"You're a good kid, Tim." Just not the right Robin.

Maybe it's time for me to grow up. Hit the ground running. If not for myself, then for these kids.

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This may be a one-shot, may be a prologue. I haven't decided yet. If it is the beginning of a story that I don't know I have, then it will be a while before it's updated. If at all.

My Gar is a strange hybrid of Toon!Gar and Comic!Gar. Although I am leaning more towards Comic!Gar. He's hotter.

This isn't my normal fandom or normal style. I don't know what possessed me to write this, but I did.


End file.
